I recently read a terrific article on how chronic venting can affect a workplace culture negatively. And I agree.

I’ll be the very first to admit that right now, at 54 years old, the interactions I have in my life, and what I choose to have in my life, have changed dramatically.

I have consciously worked on my own “stuff” in my life, so that I am not just this person who is sending random texts and calls and freak-outs, venting to everyone around me, because I’m having a bad day. Or feeling unseen. Or insecure. Or unsure.

I weirdly actually became an adult at some point in my life. And I really like being an adult who handles my own issues and doesn’t have to “tattle” on everyone and everything around me, to have my inner child heard. So Whoo-hoo for that!

PLUS —

I have an acute awareness that energy is BIG. And venting energy is HUGE. We all need to air a grievance once in a while, yet I am the first person to say that folks vent way way way way WAAYYYY too much, to their work companions, to random people in grocery stores, to their friends, to their family (this is what we call “continuing the family drama”) — we are in a continual state of spew in this country—rather than reflection—and it’s a curious statement on how we tend to feel invisible.

Folks in my personal life, and work life, generally will not see me just spilling my guts about some thing that’s bothering me, especially on a work team, unless I’m asked, or unless I have time to think about how I would like to present my issue.

There is a reason for it.

My being quiet and processing is respectful to both myself and those I work with.

I do not need to neurotically gossip about everyone or a system for me to get my thoughts organized.

Keeping things to myself until I can figure out how to present them is my right.

I’ve actually have friendships that have somewhat fallen underneath the bridge, because I’m really disinterested in gossiping and constantly venting, and that’s literally the only way that some folks know how to create a bridge of connection—is to hear my “problems”, or tell me their “problems”.

And it’s exhausting.

I want to be around loving people who are innovating.

I wish to be around positive thinkers, and people moving forward in their own process of self-discovery, whatever that is.

I want to listen to other people’s great ideas, and what their incredible thoughts are. And I understand we always don’t have those, and sometimes life is just life, and we’re in a weird holding pattern or laughing and dishing — it’s fun to just talk about whatever.

But the chronic venting. My God. It’s become dysfunctional in this nation. And I think that social media is a big part of the problem.

People in my work and personal life can get very, very uncomfortable by my not adding into the negative discussion, or texting / emailing others back. And that’s a statement on our narcissistic constantly out-spewing culture, that constantly requires being acknowledged.

Conscious consideration of an issue, of what challenges us, and sitting with that conscious consideration, often times is the greatest teacher that we can have.

Not venting constantly.

Generally, in American culture, we want to be heard. This makes us feel like we are not “suffering in silence“, and there is a difference between suffering in silence, sharing an observation, and being a fire hose that takes down the morale of everybody around you.

That’s selfish.

Plus, there is a misunderstanding that continued venting to people close to you, especially in work or friend/family situations, is creating a “bond”. Or “alliances”. Or “sharing”.

I believe the new term for this is “trauma bonding”.

I am extremely adverse to this modality of connection, as it focuses on the continued state of the trauma, rather than the healing.

Sure, I can listen to someone having a bad day. But when it’s chronic? I’m out. Or when it’s just a random negative call, text, or email with no context about a situation, or about someone I know?

That’s a huge turn-off.

Of course we all need to discuss something that’s going on, so we can get some perspective. And often were too afraid to simply chat with the person that we have the issue with.

We’re so afraid that if we say some thing, it’s the end of the world, however, clearing the air with someone, and coming to somebody with our heart of understanding, is the true way to make bonds. Not b*tching about a situation behind somebody else’s back, endlessly.

That complaining-passive-aggressive-self-victimization seems to be the bedrock of American water-cooler discussions.

It’s bizarre.

And it’s energetically gross, for the integrity of the person spewing negativity, and for the person having to be spewed upon.

Statistically, the largest form of venting in the United States, both in work and personal situations, are written—long texts and emails.

The thing that’s funny about that, is that words carry weight. That’s why people want to write out what’s bothering them. It takes the weight out of them, and places it into the universe. However, what people don’t take it to account, is this weight is then landing on the person to whom they are delivering this written content.

So, even though you may not be saying something to someone verbally, every single bit of the frustration, the anger, and the rage, comes flying through that text and smacks someone else in the face, during their day.

And unlike a conversation, where another individual could stop the conversation, and excuse themselves, a text or email is just sitting there with a bunch of ranting negative garbage about someone else, in it.

It is energetically toxic, and can feel like an unsolicited attack by the person receiving the “venting” message.

I don’t think folks understand this. We wouldn’t pick up the dog poo from our yard, and then take that bag and just dump it on another neighbor’s yard, just to get rid of it.

That’s what’s occurring energetically, when we text-dump our “stuff” into someone else’s email box or text feed.

And even if someone stopped reading a text or email, that energy is still in the text chain, so it needs deleted off. I’ve know many people in work and personal situation to get these insane texts (I’ve been to lunch with folks when this happens )and all of a sudden this negative text come in, and it ruins a perfectly great afternoon for that person. Heck, I’ve had it happen to me.

And again, I’m putting the caveat out there that of course we are all human, and once in awhile, need to talk to somebody about our grievances. However, just random negative thoughts about a person or a workplace, kicked out to individuals randomly, especially through the written word , is not productive.

The only person that’s helping, is the individual sending the venting message. But it’s sure not helping the recipient.

A suggestion, if you find that you need to get something out of you in order to see it and look at it and process it, would be to go ahead and write your venting thoughts in your notes, or write on a piece of paper all the things you’d like, to say to get it out of your body, rather than sending it to someone else, who has absolutely nothing to do with the situation.

That random “venting” puts a lot of pressure on your workplace, family/friends.

That’s just wearing out every single person around you, when our own thoughts really need to be ruminated upon, to see what they are attempting to teach us

To all the chronic work-place-and-friends-and-family venters out there— your need to continually spew every unresolved insecurity, you have, on everybody else, with your misplaced resentment—is, again, selfish.

Handling the issue with the person or situation that you have the issue with, is the adult course of action.

If a person is struggling this much in our daily life, and every day is just a complain-fest, then empower yourself with some personal responsibility, and leave the situation, or seek a therapist for the issues that are troubling.

Our workplace, family, and friends, are not our therapist. And when we lose track of this, our personal issues are out of control.

If we in America could learn the difference between a one-off constructive and healing discussion of what is troubling us, as opposed to nasty, snarky, impulsive side-venting through the written word, or at the water cooler, we would be such a happy and functional country.

We would be incredible individuals.

And we would no longer be addicted to what we consider “being rescued/being heard“ in every aspect of our own trauma, by someone listening or reading our constant stream of what we think is wrong.

If we have the courage to come out of the identity of “the victim”, in any situation, even if it’s a true dynamic, then we can begin to empower ourselves toward productive solutions for the rest of our life.

A quick adult rule of thumb for those who may be confused out there: if you are chronically complaining about your job, it is time to either let it go and continue on, or find a new job.

If you are chronically complaining about a person, and you’ve tried to work it out and you’re still chronically complaining about this person, it’s time to let it go, or move on from that situation or individual.

Unless, of course, one is simply addicted to being “the victim” and the attention one receives from being “the victim” ( that “victim attention” can be a form of clinical narccicism).

That’s a different issue all together.

If we could take 1/10 of the energy we use venting about others and situations, and instead, employ that energy into the world to edify our minds, bodies, and daily routines, we would not only heal ourselves, we would heal the world.

Yet if the world heals, that means we are going to be required to be more responsible within that healed world, and we cannot simply collapse within our own issues, our own unresolved trauma.

In a heal the world, we will have an invitation to heal as well. And perhaps our personal identities as the victim, the one who suffers, the one who is not heard, the one who has never been seen, perhaps that person, that years-old very invisible identity—is who we truly think we are.

And perhaps, if we heal, we feel like we will simply disappear into nothing.

Or, we will emerge and be seen for everything we are—the good, the bad and the ugly. And perhaps that’s the basis of all of this. Perhaps venting is a symptom of our deep fear of truly being seen.

Because what if we’re simply not enough?

What if everyone sees every single thing we are, and what if what they witness inside of us— is dramatically underwhelming?

Or worse, what if everyone actually realizes how unbelievably capable we are, and they wish us to be a participant in this world?

And what if the weight of our past wounds causes us to fear expectation from others? Because we feel that we have failed in the past? Or we were told we were failures? Or we were punished by narcissists for our excelling around them?

That’s a lot of “what if’s”.

The ironic portion of this, is that when we vent, we live in the past. When we take action, we live in the present. Living in the present is how we change our future. Yet we are terrified of the present. I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps because the pain of the past has loomed so large that we are chronically living in its shadow.

Yet embrace what you are. Embrace the present. Embrace creating a gorgeous world and a gorgeous set of relationships that you would love to participate with.

Only you can be present. Only you can decide to be part of life. There will not be one person or Diety, God Itself included, who will save you from this lesson.

We may pout and withdraw and give the universe the silent treatment, yet there is no one coming to save us from that big black hole in our chest of “not being seen”—but us. Not our parents, not our spouses, not our workplace, not this planet.

And perhaps, that’s why we’re so frightened. Because we simply don’t believe that we are enough to get through this life.

However, spoiler alert: you were born with absolutely everything you’ll ever need to flourish in this lifetime. The only thing you truly need to do at this point, is give yourself permission to evolve, to grow, and to experience the joy day to day.

And that’s where the courage lies.

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To access the article on workplace venting, visit Kat Liendgens Blog.